All that you have is your soul (Tracy Chapman).

Monday, 22 August 2005

The Bomb Shelter

I'm feeling pretty down today. I don't know if its the shitty weather (grey skies and nothing but rain) or the fact that the alarm clock woke me up at the ungodly hour of 4.30 this morning - but I really don't feel happy.

I'm pondering whether I'm finding my marriage or parenthood more challenging right now. My throat is raw from all the screaming I've done at the kids over the last few days and my T.Q (temper quotient) is at an all time low. You sneeze at the wrong volume and I'll bite your head off.

I'm an absolute bastard to live with and I know it. I prefer not to engage in conversation with any of the family because I can't be bothered to be sociable.

At least on my blog, I can let my emotions rip, without someone interrupting my rant.

The underlying cause for it all? It could be a growing sense of panic that school is approaching and I really haven't done any preparation yet. When I sit down to start work, I get a feeling of total paralysis. I know I need to do it, but I don't know where to begin. Time is gnawing away at my ankles and I'm getting really panicky about my non-existent scheme of work due for next year. I know that I'll get out of this ditch in time, but I just wish it could be now.

Additionally, I'm still extremely upset about what happened in Israel last week. Backing the Government's actions did not make them easier to swallow.

So what's the answer? In Israel, every house has a bomb shelter which doubles up as a basement. I think it's a great idea. You can fill it up with tinned goods and soft drinks and lock yourself away from your family for weeks at a time. Right now, the only rooms I can do something like that in, are either the toilets or bathroom. I tried locking myself in my bedroom, but I had to deal with the wife's knocking and nagging.

I'll get over it and reconnect with the world around, but right now, the more I'm left in peace to dwell with my own thoughts, the happier I'll be. If you want to add a comment, please feel free to do so. I promise I won't let it out on you.


BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

As someone who woke up at 4:30 am today as well, I will join you in an early morning discussion.

Each morning, I wake up, before I get out of bed, I thank God, for all the good in my life. This, at least, helps to put me in a good, positive place, before I set a foot on-to the floor.

What happened in Israel was upsetting to many of us, no matter where we live, and surely effected our thinking and behavior in many ways as well.

I hope you have a better day today.
Being grateful can change a negative into a positive, a least for me.

Be well.

fsgsf said...

I hope you snap back to your good old self real soon!!! Be well.


NJ from NJ

The Teacher said...

Thank you dear friends. I'm feeling better already!

As always... Rachael said...

WHy would you make a promise like that - give us all you got!! We're a tough group of folks, you know? I almost feel like sayng something to piss you off, just to help you get it all out... but I can't think of anything... which surpirses me, because I too can be quite caustic at times (in real life). So I'll just say that if you're not going to yell at us, then snap out of it. It's always amazed me how people can be the "cruelest" to the people they love the most. I guess that's just because we trust them not to turn their backs on us, and love us anyway...

Make a list... write down even stupid no brainer stuff that needs to be done. Making the list will help you feel productive, and crossing things off a list just plain feels good.

The Teacher said...

To be honest with you, yesterday turned out better as it went along and this morning, the sun is out, so there's hope!

I spoke with a fellow (new) teacher and he totally understood where I'm coming from. I also emailed my head of department and asked to meet with him before school begins, so that I have an idea of what I'll be teaching.

The basis for my sombre mood is a growing sense of panic, feeling that I won't be ready when school begins. All I need to do is sort out what he wants me to cover as part of the syllabus.

My friend also added that I should relax because the kids won't learn anything for the first two weeks as they are still on summer time! I hadn't really thought of it like that.

I don't want to let it out on you guys, because sometimes, you're the only ones around me who understand what I'm going through.

As always... Rachael said...

I happy you found comfort amongst your peers! I didn't realize you ddn't even know what you'll specifically be teaching... of course that would add to nayone's anxiety level. Stupid me, I just thought you were whining! Just kidding!

Wilson Kerby said...

I'm going through the same - for the 38th time. I'm a little older than you. Our blogs overlap. I would enjoy having you visit at Also will share my email with you, if interested.
An Instant Fan,

The Teacher said...

Wilson, I like your site a lot and will be adding it to my links.

It's great to have another teacher blogging and understanding exactly what I'm going through (i.e) the paralysis of the end of August.