All that you have is your soul (Tracy Chapman).

Wednesday, 28 February 2007

A Jewish Mother's Logic

The phone rings.

JEWISH MOTHER picks up the phone and answers

Jewish Mother

Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?

Jewish Mother
You're going out?


Jewish Mother
With whom?

With a friend.

Jewish Mother
I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.

I didn't leave him. He left me!

Jewish Mother
You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and

I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?

Jewish Mother
I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.

There are lots of things that you did and I don't.

Jewish Mother
What are you hinting at?

Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over

Jewish Mother
You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband
say if he finds out?

My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day
he left me, he probably never slept alone!

Jewish Mother
So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?

He's not a loser.

Jewish Mother
A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a
loser and a parasite.

I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?

Jewish Mother
Poor children with such a mother.

Such a what?

Jewish Mother
With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.


Jewish Mother
Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!

Now you're worried about the loser?

Jewish Mother
Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.

Goodbye, mother.

Jewish Mother
Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?

I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!

Jewish Mother
If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

Monday, 26 February 2007

The 79th Academy Awards II

So how did I do?

I got the Best Actor, Actress and Animation.

I suppose I should have guessed Scorcese would clinch it, but I thought the Academy would go for United 93. How ironic that Marty (we're on first name terms, don't you know) finally won for a film that wasn't one of his best - it certainly shouldn't have been awared the Best Picture.

It reminds me of when Paul Newman won the award for The Color Of Money. I guess they felt that had to give it to him, irrespective of the movie he was in. He is, after all, one of the greatest living directors (and probably my favourite).

One thought - I wonder how the Queen feels about Helen Mirren winning the Oscar for playing her. To be honest, I would have been surprised if she'd lost. I remember musing that she'd probably get it as her performace was simply astonishing.

As for the predictions....oh well, there's always next year!

Sunday, 25 February 2007

The 79th Academy Awards

These are some of my predictions for the Oscar awards, although I'm sure I will be wildly off the mark (why should this year be different?)

Best Actor

Forrest Whittaker (Last King Of Scotland)

Best Actress

Helen Mirren (The Queen)

Best Supporting Actor

Eddie Murphy (Dreamgirls)

Best Supporting Actress

Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine)

Best Director

Paul Greengrass (United 93)

Best Picture

Letters From Iwo Jima

Best Screenplay (Written Directly For The Screen)

The Queen

Best Screenplay (Based On Previously Published Material)


Best Animated Feature

Happy Feet

Best Documentary

Iraq In Fragments

Movie Review: Notes On A Scandal

I didn't pay much attention to this film until I found out that it was set in a high school - a feature which you will understand, piqued my curiosity.

I also won't give away any of the plot, at the risk of spoiling what is nothing short of a superb movie. Dame Judi Dench chews the scenery as though her life depended on it and Cate Blanchett isn't far behind in the acting stakes. In fact, the entire cast is uniformly first rate.

Patrick Marber's smart, funny script bristles along, unfolding Zoe Heller's novel in a compelling and mesmerising manner. In fact, I would give this movie a full five star rating were it not for Philip Glass's frequently overbearing score which provides unnecessary melodrama, hindering rather than enhancing the pretty intense storyline.

Aside from this little discrepancy, Notes On A Scandal is a must see movie and I guarantee that you will be glued to the screen for the entire 92 minutes running time (ok, maybe 82, granted the end credits).

Don't miss.

**** 1/2 (sorry Phil)

Thursday, 22 February 2007


I know that I really ought not to complain, but I have to say that this has been one of the most tiring weeks that I can remember.

Yes, I did go on holiday and yes, I did relax, but why is it that I feel that I need a holiday to recuperate? In all honesty, I haven't had a moment to relax since I returned on Sunday night and right now, on Thursday evening, the fatigue is definitely setting in.

Dana and Tali are celebrating their big day, alongside the ghost of George Washington. It's been a hectic week and a birthday is always welcome, but right now, I look forward to hitting Shabbat and it's enforced pleasures. Dana goes away (understandably) tomorrow afternoon and I am praying that the kids don't give me too much trouble going to bed tomorrow night.

Bring on Shabbat!

Tuesday, 20 February 2007

We're Back!

I really don't know where to start this posting...except to declare that the holiday Tali, my parents and I have just returned from was a resounding success. In fact, we had a whale of a time.

Tali went diving with dolphins (although she was pretty frightened of putting the aparatus into her mouth); enjoyed the rides in the City of Kings (in particular, the spectacular log flume fall); loved the Imax 3D Simpsons, even though it was all in Hebrew; got a buzz out of visiting the amazing underwater observatory in Eilat and generally had a pretty splendid time.

I am not going to bore you with anecdotes of our trip - suffice to say that the hotel we stayed in was pretty cool as were the meals (I'm still trying to shed the new weight) and the temparature was lovely.


We got home on Sunday night and I'm still somewhere in between the two continents of Europe and Asia.

This has been without a doubt, one of the nicest holidays I've ever had. On a separate note, it felt very special to be back in Israel for the first time in nearly ten years. I've really missed the place. I pray that it won't be another decade until I step foot again in this incredible country.

Once again, I left a piece of my heart and soul in the country of my people.

Saturday, 10 February 2007


Well friends, the time has almost come for Tali and I to go off for a hopefully glorious week to the beautiful holiday resort of Eilat in Southern Israel - a very special eighth birthday gift from my parents.

We will be flying early tomorrow morning and so I won't get a chance n the morning, to say lehitra'ot, which means something along the lines of au revoir/a bientôt/arrividerci/see you get the general idea.

I don't think I will have access to a computer during my time there, so I will leave you with a gorgeous photo of one of the sites we look forward to visiting during our time out there.

Shalom and Lehitra'ot...till next time!

Friday, 9 February 2007

Thank You Blogger

This blog has proved to be very useful over the last few days. Friends have been calling me up to say hello and when they hear that I'm not exactly feeling great and ask why, I just tell them to go to my website and read all about it. Fortuitously, these people happen to be online at the same time, so they have a quick glance, read about my foot, thigh and digital camera.....lo and behold, I get the sympathetic comments, without having to explain anything.

Some better news is that I had a phone call from the camera shop, who will be sending me a voucher in the post to replace the camera and my school is closed yet again, which allows me to spend the day packing for Sunday. As it's turned out, half-term has been extended by two days, which can't be a bad thing.

So, if you know me and you're considering ringing up, please have a look at these posts and then I don't have to explain why I don't sound as chirpy as usual. Then again, any sympathy is greatly appreciated, whether or not you're online...

Thursday, 8 February 2007

Wash 'n' Go

Shira (bless her) felt the need to put the birthday present I got from my parents, into the washing machine. After a long search (and an even longer washing cycle), I found a very clean but totally screwed Casio 8.1 megapixel digital camera in the damp bundle of clothes.

I thought of putting it into the dryer, but there's only so much thrashing I will let Bosch do to my electricals. Trust the Germans to create such a destructive piece of equipment!

The good news is that the insurance company will pay for a replacement, but unfortunately, I have a slight excess and I won't be able to take the camera to Israel as I hoped.

Message to self: Don't leave anything breakable within reach of tiny little fingers because right now, the washing machine and I are not at all on talking terms.

One, Two, Buckle My Foot

Yesterday morning, I was getting dressed in our bedroom when I found myself accidentally stepping on one the girls' upturned belt buckles. The prong, which was of the fixed variety (i.e. cast and not movable) went 90 degrees into the fleshy part of my heel, to the extent that the buckle itself was flush with my foot.

Next thing I knew, I was on my knees screaming "ow", knowing full well that the pain would get worse as I went about extracting the damn thing.

I wasn't wrong.

Fortunately, as with most puncture wounds, there was very little blood.

Enough of the gory stuff.

Dana insisted that I go to the Accident and Emergency (Or the ER as you Yanks call it) for a tetanus shot. Knowing that this would get me out of teaching my horrendous Year 8 and 9 classes (G-d I'm cruel), I didn't argue too much.

Fast forward an hour and I've been to the local hospital, who don't have a A&E department any more (growl) and I'm on my way to a nearby hospital who do. Fortunately, the waiting list wasn't too bad as I was fifth and the others obviously had far less important conditions (I'm being ironic BTW).

The doctor then informed me that I wouldn't just be getting a tetanus shot....oh no(!)....they would adminster a combined tetanus, polio and diptheria number. I was then given a jab in the right thigh.

It is twenty four hours and I'm in pain.
The problem is that it's the thigh that's hurting far more than the foot.

Then again, my friend told me that I've been vaccinated against biological warfare. I wish I felt more comforted.

Monday, 5 February 2007

I've Recovered (Just About)

I know, I know. I appreciate that I didn't exactly leave you in too good a state after my last posting. I mean, a condom on a keyboard - what could I possibly write that could top that?


So I gave it a few days to cleanse myself of the disgust I felt and had quite a pleasant weekend. On Motzei Shabbat (Saturday night), we were invited over to D and S's house for a Tu Bishvat musical evening. Unfortunately, we were unable to find a babysitter, so I went solo. Our friend M was also there with his charming wife and the three of us (D, M and I) had a rollicking evening - with D on guitar (he's a phoenomenal player) , M performing fabulously on keyboards and yours truly alternating between keyboards and guitar and yes, I am showing off.

With the ladies singing along, we played our way through a catalogue of songs, ranging from the good ole Beatles, through Cat Stevens and even encompassing Led Zeppelin. It's a real shame that Dana couldn't attend. I think she would have loved it.

Yesterday, I went out and got my brand new phone, my first ever pocket pc. It's an absolute beauty. You will also be relieved to know that I have insured it, granted that the kids in my school have fantastically light fingers. Truth be told, I am keeping it safe in my staff room locker and only taking it out at breaks to check my emails (stop showing off, Teach).

So that's about it, except for my growing anticipation at leaving these forlorn shores for the sunny beaches of Eilat in less than a week. I doubt I will be posting anything during the trip (I don't think I'll have access to a pc, which is not necessarily a bad thing) - so I suppose I should be adding a few more entries in advance to compensate (what is it about blogs that they make you feel guilty if you don't update them?!).

Anyway, no condoms recently, so I suppose you could call it "a good day."