The Scribbler

I think I've just had the most fulfilling experience yet, in my short teaching career - and it didn't even happen in school. A student who is beavering away at his GCSE coursework has been plagued with bad luck in relation to his falteringly constructed Access databases. He's already screwed one up and yesterday, whilst working on the the replacement, he somehow managed to corrupt the mdb file he's been working on since his last disaster. I just couldn't open the damn thing to repair it and I told him that I would do my best to get it back for him. I came home this afternoon and spent nearly two hours trying to find a downloadable demo that could sort the problem out. After numerous attempts, I came across an application that did the job and to my delight, reinstated his file, with both tables intact. I can't wait to see his face when he realises he can work on it again. I really can't describe how great I feel right now because there's no other job that...

It looks like the world is finally waking up to the Iranian threat, if the latest news about the UN sanctions is anything to go by. Iran is also burning her bridges by holding onto sixteen British marines, although I think this little skirmish will be dealt with quietly over the next few days/weeks. More importantly, the message is going through to the Iranians that no-one with any sense believes their laughable reasoning for building nuclear power stations. Additionally, the withdrawal of the Russians has left Iran in a pretty vulnerable position. Let's see what the Chinese do next. I wonder - is this the beginning of the end for Ahmadinejad?

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with his friend. He shoots his friend, instantly killing him. His wife then says: "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

It's Pesach (Passover) in just over a week and I'm still struggling to get into the spirit of the thing. Maybe the gravitas of the festival will overtake me after this afternoon when we do the annual shop, but I'm getting worried about the fact that I'm not worried. Should I be panicking as per each year? Probably. The truth is that I'm so stressed out about school right now, that I don't think I can be bothered to add any more SOP's (stress-out points) to my tortured psyche. I know that the bug will hit me mid-week and I'll realise how much I still need to do cleaning-wise at around the same moment that the brevity of time left, dawns on me. Unfortunately (or not), I am still living in a state of self-imposed ignorant and totally irresponsible bliss. This is the last week of term and the students are going to be horrendous. Do I really need to worry about anything else right now?

We moved the clocks forward an hour this morning to accomodate British Summer Time (BST). I'm beginning to wonder whether it's not time to change this strange title, since there's nothing summery about the weather whatsover. In fact, it's bloody freezing. A rumour hit the streets that we'd passed the 21st of March sometimes last week, which in "normal" countries means that spring has finally declared herself to the world. I for one haven't been aware that winter's ever left. Aside from the usually depressing grey skies and lack of any other colour, the air is stuffed with anything but spring. I think Al Gore's onto something. It might be the "official" start of spring, but the inconvenient truth is that we're freezing our nuts (or any other part of the anatomy) off here in the disunited kingdom.

I've been waiting for this match for ages. After 93 minutes, I was none the wiser with the 0-0 score. I can't remember a more boring match in recent history. Still, it was nice to hear the Hatikvah on Sky Sports as well as seeing the different animations using the Israeli flag. Bring on Wembley in September for the home game - hopefully, it will be a more memorable match (and Israel wins!!!)

Some guy got this great idea to re-create some of the Beatles' most famous album covers using Lego and Photoshop. Have a look here .

This is apparently a true story, heard on a Wisconsin Radio Station. You can decide it's veracity, but even if it isn't true, it very much appeals to my sense of humour: A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigato...

On Friday, the student who had threatened me , turned up to school, having worked out his exclusion. We saw one another and pretended not to, if you know what I mean. Later on, whilst going to the front office to get patrol for another unruly student, I saw him on the couch in a pretty precarious position. In fact, he looked almost unconscious. Of course an ambulance was called and a number of strongly suspected that he'd taken or smoked something he shouldn't have All of a sudden, my antipathy towards the child disappeared as I wondered whether I would ever see him again. It turns out that he'd been having some sort of epileptic fit, unaware that he had this condition. I saw him today, right as rain and cheerfully asked him how he felt. He looked slightly taken aback by my concern, but smiled nevertheless and told me he was OK. Now I'm feeling somewhat guilty for wanting to have him excluded from my class. I know I shouldn't, but would it be correct to take this co...

About two weeks ago, I reprinted an article from the Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles (which you can read here ). If you can recall, it related how my grandparents hosted GI Ralph Goodman for Purim 1945 in newly liberated Belgium. Fast forward over half a century and Mr Goodman (who insists that I call him Ralph and who comes over as a wonderfully spright octogenarian) used the newly minted link in the left hand column to contact me. Since then, the two of us have developed a lovely correspondence which one day might lead to our meeting up. I am continuously amazed by the unexpected delights that spring forth from this blog (and in this case, from Jane Ulman's great article). Who could have imagined that I would be in contact with a gentleman who has such special memories of my immediate family, from so very long ago - when my mother was roughly the same age as my second daughter?

A husband and wife are in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing against her shoulder. "Oh honey, that feels good.", she says. His hand moves to her breast. "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.", she says. His hand moves to her leg. "Oh, honey, don't stop." she begs. But he stops................. "Why did you stop?" she cries ??? "I found the remote..."

Looking at my postings, I've come to the realisation that it is unfair of me to label them all under the heading of "teacher". Yes, I am a teacher and yes, I do share my thoughts and experiences with you whilst sometimes wearing my teaching hat. Then again, I also have ideas about the many different strands of life, whether they be political, cultural or religious. I have therefore gone back to the roots of this page and retitled it with its original moniker. I feel that this "new" name will be more inclusive and will therefore more accurately represent the ramblings, or indeed scribbles, of yours truly.

By Rabbi Jeremy Rosen. So the BBC World Service took a poll and discovered that more people think Israel is a danger to the world than any other place! Forgive me for an ironic laugh! The World Service reaches and is avidly listened to by billions of Muslims and an odd million Jews, if it’s lucky (who anyway by now know to take BBC polls with a pinch of salt, even the BBC children’s programme ‘Blue Peter’ admits it fiddled its polls). Hey, imagine a poll in Stamford Hill on favourite colours. Any betting it would be black? Big Deal. It’s like asking in English soccer grounds beyond Stamford Bridge whether they love Mourinho or not. There are billions of unemployed Muslims with nothing better to do than phone in to straw polls. Of course they’re going to knobble their favourite whipping boy or vote for a humungous mosque in your face when most of the rest are busy earning a livelihood. It’s not just them. Just think of the millions who vote for Big Brother or American Idol, and they’re ...

Here's a question for you: Do I give a damn that a BBC journalist has been kidnapped by Palestinians in Gaza? What do you think....?

Since the incident last week, I have set myself a new target - to retake ownership of my classroom from the students. As you can imagine, this is no easy task. The kids feel that they can say or do whatever they want without serious repercussions and so, I am finding myself in daily (sometimes hourly) conflict with many of them, including those I don't even teach. In the last forty eight hours, I have been called a c*** by two Year 11's and a d***head by a Year 10 boy. All because I am unsubtly enforcing my presence in situ and reminding them of who is really in charge. My campaign to re-assert my authority is obviously having an impact on my "popularity" amongst the student body. I really don't care what they think of me, as long as they show some respect and do what I say. I am also on a personal mission to become the most hated teacher in school, something that I think I might achieve if I continue driving my agenda through. I will succeed because I've had...

The following are excerpts of an interview with the children of Palestinian suicide bomber Rim Al-Riyashi, which aired on Al-Aqsa TV on March 8, 2007. TO VIEW THIS CLIP VISIT: http://www.memritv.org/search.asp?ACT=S9&P1=1398 . "How Many Jews Did Mama Kill?" Interviewer: "Let's talk with the two children of the jihad-fighting martyrdom-seeker Rim Al-Riyashi, Dhoha and Muhammad. Dhoha, you love Mama, right? Where did Mama go?" Dhoha: "To Paradise." Interviewer: "What did Mama do?" Dhoha: "She committed martyrdom." Interviewer: "She killed Jews, right?" Interviewer: "How many did she kill, Muhammad?" Muhammad: "Huh?" Interviewer: "How many Jews did Mama kill?" Muhammad: "This many... " Interviewer: "How many is that?" Muhammad: "Five." Interviewer: "Do you love Mama? Do you miss Mama? "Where is Mama, Muhammad?" Muhammad: "In Paradise." In...

Same shit. Different day.

I have spent the evening filling out an application form for a new job in an inifinitely better school. I don't know if I've got a hope in hell of getting it, but I might as well try, 'cos you never know. One of the "highlights" of my day was literally separating two year 8's this morning. I felt this was necessary as one, a normally sedate and peaceful child, was pummelling the other's head into near infinity. Lord, I hope I get this job.

Quite a while ago, I told you about Denton Farmer, my alter-ego, whose work as a Private Investigator had unfortunately landed him in quite a bit of trouble with a mysterious (and relatively leggy) blonde. I therefore thought it was be high time to update you as to what had transpired since then. Denton, being the resourceful fellow that he is, finally managed to extracate himself from the said lady. However, things turned for the worst when, last month, Ms X (it is to protect the innocent, you understand) was found lying in a pool of her own blood, revolver in hand, conveniently holding a rather badly spelled suicide note, which police have now assessed to be authentic. Denton, though understandably shocked, immediately presented himself to said officers and was quickly absolved of any involvement in the act. The "General" (as he prefers to be known) contacted Denton in order to pay his bill whilst, at the same strongly advising him to get out of town as soon as possible - ...

I want to say a special thank you to everyone who contacted me after reading of my ordeal last week. It was so much easier to have you all find out the story in the same way, without me having to relate it time and again (and therefore avoiding the dangers of embellishment). I want you to know that I really appreciate your support and care - more than I am able to express verbally.

My rant against the BBC poll reminded me that I haven't updated my own little offerings. This has been remedied and eight new polls have been randomly added, so please add your votes. As usual, I've made them a mix of education, politics and entertainment. In the last batch, Sean Connery's 007 came out on top (I would have expected nothing else) and in the event of disciplinary issues, most of you would speak to your child and then get back to the teacher (interesting reponse). So get voting and tell me what you think!

According to the latest BBC poll, Israel has "the worst image in the world" and 56% of the respondents viewed the Zionist entity negatively. Only 17% had a positive opinion. To make things even better (if you like), Iran came second with 54% followed by the good old US of A with 51% That's that then. The BBC, bastion of unbiased reporting (ahem), the promoter of nothing but the truth (cough cough) has obviously had the last word on the matter. Except that the BBC itself has the worst image in the world, in the eyes of at least 56% of the people both you and I know (and we know a lorra people don't we?) for its corrossive world view, shockingly biased reporting and gargantuan arrogance. Maybe even more than 56% of the people we both know would like to see the release of the Balen report into the Beeb's biased record on Israel. So far, "Auntie" refuses to let it see the light of day. I wonder why? As they say, it takes one to know one and the BBC, pervayor...

------------------------------------------NEWSFLASH---------------------------------------- This is probably the least surprising news you've read all week....I've made the decision to leave the school irrespective of whether or not I have a job to go to in September. Hopefully, I will be able to secure a permanent position, but if I don't, I can always get supply work as there's more than enough going around. The assault was the final straw, even to the extent that I found myself having a nightmare related to it last night. I do want to teach but I'm not prepared to continue working in a school where I feel threatened by some students, whilst extraordinarily dissapointed by others. Yes, I will always come across troublesome kids, but there's a difference between coping with a challenging child and finding myself trapped in my own classroom with not a single student on side. I don't ever want to feel so alone and vulnerable at work again. I saw an advertisem...

I came to school with one intention - to make it absolutely clear that there is no way I will ever teach "my public enemy #1" again. I would even go to the Union to get backing for my stand. I needn't have been that militant as Senior Management showed they were in agreement by excluding him at the end of the day (why he was allowed to come in at all, is another matter). Today was much calmer, although to be fair, my nerves are pretty shot and it's not easy being around me - family take note. It's Friday tomorrow and the Sabbath is gracing the distant horizon. Right now, I thank the good Lord for his gift of Sabbath.

There is a group of Black Year 11 kids who subscribe to the whole gang culture crap. They walk around the playground (and also inside the building) wearing baseball caps as if they were going out of style and present an extremely menacing site to both teachers and students. I say this, because today, I found myself as the centre of their attention - and it was not something I want to repeat. I was teaching a Year 11 class and one student was (as per usual) totally ignoring my requests to stop eating or do any work. He brazenly left his mobile phone on the desk and as per school instructions, I got hold of it and put it into my back pocket. He started by trying to take it out but when he realised that wasn't working (I held on to it for dear life), he squared me up and blocked my path, so that I found myself trapped against the wall, with his face a hairbreadth away from mine. Despite my attempts to get past him, he stood (and even sat, legs spread out) firm, blocking me in. This ey...

It is the night of Purim, the most joyous day in the Jewish calendar and we are in the midst of a lunar eclipse. Fortunately, the sky is crystal clear and so the sight of the moon being slowly consumed by the shadow of the earth is truly wondrous. I don't know if there is any significance to the combination of these two events, but, being the religious person that I am, I wonder whether such coincidences are really as they seem. Could this be some sort of celestial sign that another Purim is on the way, vis a vis our good friend in Iran? Is G-d telling us something by combining the stratospheric cycle with our special celebration? No doubt, there are some who are reading into this more than I and a school of thought is developing as I pen these musings. Then again, it might be G-d's way of sharing a new Purim joke with the rest of the world. After all, Purim is an ancient Persian word for "casting lots". Could this be just another random "happening"? Who kn...

The fascinating article you are about to read concerns my family, in particular, my grandfather Philip Vecht and my mother Rosette. This first appears in the March 2, 2007, issue of The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles and was penned by Jane Ulman, a contributing writer. Jane has very kindly agreed to let me republish the piece in full here. I would also like to thank my cousin Just who drew my attention to the article. You can also read the article at jewishjournal.com The Vecht family: parents Henrietta and Philip, children Rosette and Romeo. Taken in Spa, Belgium, in 1943. "Pardon me, sir, are you perchance a Jew?" Ralph Goodman immediately reached for the .45 on his hip. The 24-year-old American solider didn't know what to expect from the approaching middle-aged man wearing a felt hat, one side folded up, and speaking Australian-accented English. Goodman stopped and looked the stranger in the eye, his hand firmly planted on his gun. "I am," Goodman rep...

This is the scenario: You've got this guy in Iran who has a real problem with the Jews. He hates them and wants to wipe them off the planet. So he's devising this plan to get his way. First of all, he tries to curry favour with his powerful friends to get their support and establish his credentials. Then, he sets about building his weapon, hoping that it will be used as soon as possible to achieve his goal. Sounds familiar? Well, it is, except that I'm talking about President Haman of Persia, who lived, oh about two thousand five hundred years ago or so. Today is the Fast of Esther when we remember how Queen Esther of the eponymous book put her life of the line to protect our people. I am fasting, if only to beg G-d to do his thing and untangle the workings of the modern day Haman in Iran - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The similarities between these two monsters is striking, both in their utter hatred of the Jews (compare Ahmadinejad's claims that that we made the Holocaust up ...