I was sent these one-liners and some of them really cracked me up (especially no 12):
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.