All that you have is your soul (Tracy Chapman).

Sunday, 12 April 2009

Stay Calm Calm Calm

How do I start to describe what's happened since I last posted? What can I write to convey the emotions that have buried themselves inside my biological frame? Should I try?

I'm finding life quite difficult right now. I feel that I am at a crossroad, yet, at the same time unable to see the signpost.

In one direction,there is the glimmer of a new job on the horizon. I know it's there and I'm excited to jump right in and get cracking. The problem is that the post is across a very long and busy carriageway called the Summer Term.

In a week's time, I'm going back to school and frankly, I'm dreading it. The next month promises to be one long pressure pad, from the moment I walk into the school building, until the second my Year 11's walk out at the end of their GCSE's. The pressure I will be under will be almost unbearable and soul destroying - two months of it.

Life at home is going to suffer as I will come home tired, harried and irritable. I'll try not to take it out on the wife and kids, but things being what they are, I won't be able to stop myself from snapping. In turn, the tension at home will ratchet up as they berate me for my behaviour. I'll then turn into myself and go to work angry, frustrated and stressed.

Summer term.

And all the while, the sweet promise of September might be the only thing that keeps me going. I know that when it all got a little too much at the end of last term, I used knowledge that I'm leaving as an emotional crutch, on which to hang my hopes.

Pesach is still ongoing and I'm letting it lull me into a phantom sense of security. I've decided that until the festival is over, I won't be doing any school work, knowing that, from Friday, I will no longer have this excuse.

Maybe I should just enjoy these few days and see them as the calm before the storm. I suppose it's the only way I can really prepare myself for Monday morning.

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